with your own penis?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
