Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
