There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
