I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
