I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
