you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
