Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You are the jesus of drinking
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
