youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
