tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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