I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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