You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
