she was so not down for the gang bang
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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