he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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