All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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