My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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