Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
