Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
