Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
