talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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