My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
