the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
