theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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