i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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