areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
