I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
