I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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