My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
