I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
