"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
