I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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