i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
