Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
