I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
