sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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