I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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