Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
