in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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