Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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