I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
