I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You ruined the universe
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
