i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
