Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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