her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
