so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
