guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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