Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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