I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
