i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Someone signed my nipple.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
