I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
