dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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